Since I learned how to write, I have found enormous comfort in quick access to a blank page. As a kid, I would jot down my story of an event over and over until I felt better about it. I was coping – just didn’t have a word for it at the time. Some things never change; I was/am an obsessive list-maker and diarist. In the morning, at night, during any downtime, it is necessary that I hang my interpretation of experience out to dry.
During fire season, if I didn’t have a notepad, I’d write in my IRPG (incident response pocket guide), where the “notes” pages are intended for jotting down the call-signs of engines or tail-numbers of helicopters or relevant weather readings. If someone were to open my IRPG, they would not find that sort of useful intel (I wrote that stuff on my sleeve like a true salty dog). Rather, they’d find an unspooling of my own entangled thoughts. They’d find extensive lists and line after line of chicken scratch handwriting in which I attempt some sort of reconciliation with self.
To watch the unstated become letters, then words, then sentences instantly blunts its ability to isolate me; and I’ve always revered the person I show up as on paper far more than the vessel of free-floating irrationalities that I usually walk around as. Those free floaters always yielded to my lined pages, where they would be rendered impotent.
Upon entering the realm of written word, I am wiser, calmer, smarter. I am my own mother, mentor, Wizard of Oz, capable of making things mean whatever I want them to. I start a paragraph in first person, and without my even realizing, usually slip into second person; no longer speaking from myself, but to myself. I am now an abstract being with the distance (dissonance?) and authority to tell my present self exactly what she is longing to hear, which usually boils down to some iteration of “you’re going to be okay”.
I Love that you love to write, draw, create, paint, and express yourself, in such a beautiful, honest, and heartfelt way. I too think that writing is extremely therapeutic. Thoughts seem to be expressed more clearly and accurately, when you sit down and organize them from your head to the page or pages. It also opens a window of opportunity for you to share with others, what they would never know or be able to pass down, had you not put it into writing. Those thoughts, feelings, beliefs, experiences, and times in your life, that you were and are going through, would just still be up in your head, and no one would ever know, the beautiful gift you have been given, and it is a Gift! Never forget that. Not just your writing, but your Gift of expressing beauty through what you paint and draw. I wish I had that gift. I wish I was better at writing and journaling about life, and could express myself like you do. I am a actually feeling quite guilty about not being more like you in this area. You are an inspiration to me, and I LOVE you very much!
Thank you for being Wonderful, thought provoking you! It is a blessing, and I’m grateful for you.
That’s some amazing writing and very deep and self reflective. Proud of you and love you much!