I want you to take a second and think of your biggest, juiciest, furthest-out-there dream. If you have more than one, even better. Don’t be shy. Take a second and just sit with that dream of yours that’s so grandiose it’s almost too embarrassing to say out loud.
I’ll break the ice and share mine:
- I want to build an impactful coaching business that absolutely changes peoples’ lives. I want to fill the gaps I see in the space & set a new standard.
- I want to work remotely on my own business & travel full time.
- I want to speak perfect Spanish, and then learn a 3rd, 4th, 5th language.
- I want to get my black belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.
- I want to write. I want to write articles and blogs and poems and stories – but mostly I want to write a big fat book that people besides my mom (love you mom) will read & get enormous value from.
I’d be lying if I didn’t cringe a little at the thought of expressing my dreams out loud without following up with some self-deprecating joke or caveat …like maybe I should at least make a facial expression to let you know I’m not that serious? That I don’t actually believe I could do any of that (hehe-lol-a-girl-can-dream)
Nope. As tempting as it is, I refuse.
Because I am serious and I do believe I can do all of that, actually.
And as terrifying as it is to type out my dreams & allow them to be seen by others – and as outlandish as they seem to me right now – I know they need to be even bigger. I know I’m still putting a lid on my ambition and that it’s all a byproduct of stories I tell myself.
The quality of your life is largely dictated by the stories you tell yourself (about yourself) – and so many of us have shitty stories.
“Nothing I do matters”
“I’m too young/too old to start ____”
“I don’t have the right education so I can’t _____”
“I have bad genetics”
“I’m terrible with money”
“I’m too busy/don’t have time”
“I’ve waited too long/It’s too late”
“I’m not smart/talented/qualified/sexy enough”
“I’ll always be a follower, not a leader”
“That industry is already so saturated”
“People will judge me”
“If I fail, I’ll never recover”
“I’m embarrassed to be seen trying”
Most of us are the loudest voice for why we can’t have or be what we dream of. We are the strongest forces against ourselves.
BUT WHYYYYYYYY?
Your brain is trying to keep you safe & prevent future pain. If you’ve already labeled yourself, decided your limits, and declared (repeatedly) that you’ll never amount to anything, maybe it won’t hurt so bad if that turns out to be the case. If it doesn’t, cool! But if it does, at least you already saw it coming.
Suffering can often be measured by the gap between your expectations and reality. It feels safe to set the bar low and know you’ll never fall short. But you know what they say: shoot for the moon & land among the stars. I know it’s corny, but I don’t really care. The truth is allowed to be corny.
We often develop ideas about ourselves at a young age and just continue searching for evidence to back them up for the rest of our lives.
The first step to changing your ideas about yourself: Air them out. Talk about them, write them down, connect with people who struggle with the same ones. Just become aware. Here’s one of my favorite truths: Shame shrivels up and dies in the light.
Next, assess how accurate these beliefs are. Where is your evidence even coming from? Maybe there are past experiences you can recall. For example, for a long time I clung to the story that I have a hard time connecting with other women. When I started to really unearth that, I could pinpoint an experience from PRE-SCHOOL where I tried befriending two girls on the playground, and they shut me down so fast my little head spun. It was traumatizing, so I began crafting a narrative to protect myself in the future.
Perhaps the beliefs are simply coming from a fear of the unknown/fear of failure. Think about that for a second: Why should we be afraid to be seen trying? Why is it embarrassing to admit you have aspirations?
Picture these beliefs like little devils on your shoulder. They’re popping in and out all day telling you you’re not good enough, life is bleak, stop dreaming that’s cringe-worthy, blah blah blah. You need to put an angel on your other shoulder to go to bat for you & shut that shit down. This means developing new beliefs and collecting new evidence in favor of yourself.
Here’s a very generalized example of what that looks like:
Old story: “I’m not good enough for _____”
New story: “I have the traits necessary to excel at whatever I do” or “I always rise to the occasion”.
Create a list of all your shoulder devil’s tired, boring stories and right next to each one come up with its angelic replacement. Then, start finding evidence to support your new narrative.
Can you come up with ANY evidence that you are (or have ever been) the kind of person who rises to the occasion? I don’t care how small or trivial it is. When did you feel unqualified or unprepared & still managed to get it done? You have to acquire a basis for beliefs that serve you. And guess what? The beliefs that serve you will all boil down to things like I’m capable. I’m worthy. I’ve got this. I trust myself.
You can also find evidence outside of yourself. Get inspired by others. The internet is amazing and you can probably find someone who faced the exact same obstacles as you and still found a way through. For example, “I can’t do X because I have $5 in my account”. Okay, cool. In about 2 minutes I could probably pull up the story of someone who had $4 and still made it happen for themselves.
Let yourself want more in this life. It’s not embarrassing.
I want you to envision your dreams as entities separate from yourself. They’re like these … little guys (if you can’t show up for yourself, maybe you’ll be motivated to show up for some little guys). Anyway, here we have these little guys who are BEGGING you to get over yourself & bring them into being. They exist in another dimension right now (alive & well but not quite here), and they’re saying “LET US IN (to this dimension)! WE’RE RIGHT HERE ON THE OTHER SIDE WE JUST NEED YOUR HELP CROSSING OVER!!!”
These little guys (your dreams) have been calling to you for so long because they are meant for you. If you let them die, they’ll haunt you for the rest of your life. They’re not concrete destinations. There is absolutely no guarantee you will achieve anything specific, but they are signals pointing you in certain directions & they deserve respect. I truly believe it is your duty as a human being to heed the signals, to be patient and diligent, and to tell yourself better stories.
After all, the pursuit of happiness is an unalienable right.
🙂